Self-help, part 4: Assertiveness training

Be confident, not intimidated. Initiate respectful communication before a situation becomes emotional. Express your views in a way that is positive and gets results. Do not be aggressive (also known as bitchy). Do not be angry or defensive. Do not, under any circumstances, cry at the office.

In other words, be assertive.

Assertiveness training became popular within the women's movement in the 1970s, when many otherwise capable women discovered they could not stand up for themselves effectively. It is now used in schools, corporate boardrooms, drug abuse treatment facilities, and many other situations.

I took part in assertiveness training in the mid-70s. In one session, we worked with an acting coach to expand our command of our personal space and to exercise our breathing and vocal cords to relax and potentially deepen our voices. Not to sound like men, but to lose the shrillness that can come with tense, tight muscles.

In another session, we talked about personal power. Many of us said we didn't want power. The trainer asked whether we wanted to get things done. "Of course," we said. "Then you want power," She said. "It's not a bad thing."

She had us line up according to degrees of perceived power. I was president of the organization sponsoring this training, and people nudged me to the head of the line.

The trainer talked some more about personal power - about making your opinions known, exercising influence, helping a group reach a decision, etc. Then she had us line up again, telling us to exercise our judgments about each person's relative power.

This time I ended up near the end of the line. The trainer pointed out that my position had given me situational power the first time around, but my personal interactions did not match up.

"How do you feel about that?" she asked. I admitted that the exercise was eye-opening. I was well respected because of my skills and hard work, but I was an introvert and I hated confrontation. I did not always participate to the degree I could have, and I tended to back off when challenged. Clearly, I did not use my personal power to accomplish as much as I could have.

I always took on big projects and big goals. And each of my jobs has required me to raise issues and give advice. Some bosses were not very receptive, and some projects ran up against other peoople's agendas.

I worked a lot on being stronger and believing in myself more in order to get things done. Marrying a confident New Yorker made a big difference; he coached me to hold my own in difficult situations and helped me to trust myself. But it doesn't always come naturally.

Bottom line: unlike so many trendy and shallow self-help notions, assertiveness training was worthwhile. Given the course I set for myself in life, I probably could have benefited from more of it!

That grumpy woman may be coming back....

You know over in the right-hand column, where it says "what have you done with the grumpy woman who used to live here?"

She's threatening to return. I've been sick with some kind of crud for a full week now, and I'm getting TIRED of it, do you hear? Of course Augie and Vi have been coughing and sniffling (and sometimes feverish) for even longer. They've been to the doctor and they're going again, just to be safe, but two things could be operating here: (1) this bug is one that lasts a long time, and/or (2) we're passing it back and forth endlessly and will do so until about April.

I'm tired of coughing. I'm tired of sinus headaches and that ache-all-over feeling. Oh...but I don't mind staying home from work. Nope, I don't mind that at all. Rant over. Eating chocolate.

Mr. February

Representing the American Legion in a bid to host your next function is Mr. February. This calendar was produced by the York, Maine, Chamber of Commerce as a fundraiser for local nonprofits. I won it in a giveaway from Eva at Wrestling With Retirement.

Grandchildren say the darndest things

I love (most of the time) the way kids pick up what they hear. Some weeks ago, Augie greeted his grandpa with, "So, how was your shopping?" He got himself in some trouble last week and stalled for time with, "Grandma and Pa, I have something to tell you." Oh, we said, what's that? A moment of thought, and then: "So, how is your day?"

Recently, he cracked up his mom at bedtime with, "Please don't leave, I'm begging you!" (Turns out that in "Do the Alphabet," Baby Bear says "I'm begging you" to Big Bird.)

This morning, Augie was making his way through our living room, which was so thick with toys that even he had to watch where he was going. "I'm losing my mind," I heard him say. No idea why.

Meanwhile, Vi is stepping up conversationally, too. Some of her meaning is obvious. "More oatmeal." "Yo-yo Ma" or "Ernie and Bert" (video choices). "Mali (our cat), where are you?"

Some requires translation. "Too" means "I want what Augie's having." "All done" used to mean "I'm finished eating" but now means, "You are done (sitting in that chair, or playing the drums, for example) and now it's my turn." This is gradually being replaced with "Vi turn," and, when she's had enough, "Augie turn."

One of my favorites is when she says something you don't quite understand. "Upsht baby pa gamma carry-you." So you try to clarify: You want to go upstairs? "Okay!" Now, you may have intended not to go upstairs, but she seems to think you invited her, so of course you go. She hands you the baby doll and says, "Up-hts mbld carry-you," and again you aren't sure so you ask: You want me to carry you? And she says, "Okay!" as if you just made the greatest suggestion.

It's exactly what Augie used to do, when his diction was still a little indistinct, and it still cracks me up every time.

Now, he knows words like "umbilicus," "nocturnal," and "Matt Nokes is a catcher who flies his own airplane."

BTW, in the photo above, Augie had just stacked all the tuna cans on top of the cat food cans on top of the counter. He likes it when the stack totals 20, but the cat insists on being fed, so it's often less. Augie seems to be adjusting to this situation.